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In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson argues that we are frustrated in life and experience similar failures because we value and prioritize the wrong things, thanks in part to club'due south emphasis on positive thinking, over-involved parents, and our susceptibility to superficial social media messages. This leads us to pursue emotional highs that don't atomic number 82 to lasting happiness.

The solutions are counterintuitive and include: be wrong, fail, tolerate feeling bad, have pain, practise rejection. Because we can't care equally about everything, we need to prioritize and focus on what brings us happiness and meaning. In other words, we need to advisedly cull what we give our f*cks about.

The volume draws from several established philosophies (Stoicism, Existentialism, and Buddhism), and we'll expand and clarify the book's messages by tracing their origins to these schools of thought. We'll also explore some of the psychology behind what motivates people'southward decisions, and why we're driven to give and so many f*cks about so many unimportant things.

(continued)...

A lot of what Manson says in Subtle Art is about managing your emotions, rather than letting your emotions manage yous. That's why he warns against unrestrained pleasure-seeking, or simply trying to "feel expert." The emotional intelligence model can give you some benchmarks for how well you're post-obit Manson's communication.

Believing That Everyone Is Special

Manson argues that many people's issues in coping with life stalk from the self-esteem/exceptionalism philosophy that began spreading through schools, churches, and business development seminars in the 1960s and 1970s. The priority became feeling skilful well-nigh yourself rather than trying, failing, learning, and accomplishing things. It has produced delusional people who can't handle challenges or arduousness.

He contends that in fact, you are not special: Your experiences and problems are shared by millions of others. When you lot believe you're special, you experience entitled to feel good and have a problem-costless life, which gets in the mode of choosing constructive values.

You're Not Special—And That'southward a Expert Thing

Therapist Lori Gottlieb'southward memoir Maybe You Should Talk to Someone discusses the fact that sometimes, a person who's going through difficulty in life tin't move past it until they cease seeing their problems every bit unique or exceptional. In one instance that she relates to illustrate this, a woman with a history of alcoholism (prompted past an calumniating spousal relationship) is unable to forgive herself for her past mistakes—she feels like she has messed up her life in a unique way and that her mistakes are worse than other people'due south. She's therefore unable to get involved in a new (healthier) romantic relationship. She can but move frontward when she accepts that her struggles are similar to millions of other people'southward struggles.

Another of Gottlieb'due south examples shows the opposite blazon of exceptionalism: A man who thinks he's smarter than everyone effectually him continually causes issues in his relationships until he accepts that he isn't special, either.

These examples show that feelings of exceptionalism can work in both ways—they can concord people to pain that they call up is special, or they tin hold people to feelings of superiority that forbid meaningful relationships. It'south only when a person recognizes that they're not infrequent (and that that's okay), that they're able to make progress in handling and in their lives.

Trying to Avoid Pain

Manson's definition of happiness involves struggling to solve issues. The question he asks is: What are y'all willing to struggle for? What hurting are you lot willing to endure to get what you desire? The answers to those questions make up one's mind how our lives plow out.

Pain tells u.s. what to pay attention to. From it, we learn what to do differently in the future. Therefore, when we strive for a life that'southward gratis of problems and pain, we don't get to larn from our suffering. You tin't accept a painless life; instead, y'all must choose what kind of pain or struggle is meaningful to you.

Mike Tyson'southward Daily Struggle

Often, choosing to struggle in one case is not enough; to thrive, you have to continually recommit to your meaningful struggle.

Mike Tyson is known as 1 of the greatest boxers of all fourth dimension—in his prime, he boasted punching power that few people in history could equal, and skills to match. However, Tyson simply became the dominant force that he was considering he was willing to get through immense pain and struggle on a daily basis.

Co-ordinate to i article, Tyson'due south daily routine went something like this:

  • Wake up at 5 A.Thou.

  • 3-mile run

  • Breakfast

  • 10 rounds sparring

  • Dejeuner

  • More than sparring (amount not specified)

  • 2,000 squats

  • 2,500 situps

  • 500 elbow dips

  • 500 push-ups

  • 500 shoulder shrugs (holding a 66lb barbell)

  • Dinner

  • Exercise bicycle

  • Bed at ten P.M.

This routine is more than nigh people would subject themselves to fifty-fifty once, let alone every solar day. Tyson's willingness to endure through information technology over and over again is what made him into a champion boxer.

Adopting Subversive Values

Manson says that our civilisation and our media often push destructive values, which crowd out positive values and lead to dissatisfaction.

Some of these destructive values include:

  • Pleasance: It's a part of life but not sufficient for happiness in and of itself. Yous'll run into problems (for case, addiction or obesity) if you lot brand superficial pleasure your priority. It's also a value that gets in the way of relationships with others.
  • Material success: People frequently base their cocky-esteem on what they ain or how much money they make. Merely acquiring more wealth provides less and less satisfaction, once our basic needs are met. Also, when nosotros prioritize wealth/success over deeper values, nosotros tin go shallow.
  • Ever existence right: Research shows that we're often wrong about things. If you experience you must be right all the fourth dimension, you'll be frustrated. Also, if yous don't acknowledge mistakes you lot can't learn from them.
  • Staying positive: Staying positive has benefits, but it's unhealthy to deny reality when information technology's bad or to repress negative emotions. Sometimes life stinks. Constantly being positive is a manner of fugitive problems rather than solving them.

(Shortform annotation: Negative values like these usually stalk from what you think other people value. They're about how you relate to others (power and control), what yous think they adore in you (money or status), or how they think of you (popularity, adoration, fame, and then on). Manson is urging you to instead choose values that are about yourself, because y'all tin can't control what other people think or do. Since it's out of your control, it's not worth giving a f*ck about.)

How to Give the Right F*cks

As an antidote to a life spent pursuing superficial things and living by destructive values, Manson suggests that you instead adopt these five effective values, which will help you lot give f*cks nearly the right things:

  1. Take responsibility for everything that happens in your life, whether or not it's your fault. You may non exist to arraign for what happens to you, but you are responsible for choosing how y'all reply.
  2. Admit that you could be wrong: In club to grow, you should entertain doubt almost your behavior, feelings, and rightness. Instead of trying to prove you're right, you lot should expect for ways you're wrong, to see where you can grow. Have that you aren't e'er correct.
  3. Embrace failure: Failure is an opportunity to learn. To succeed at something y'all get-go take to fail, usually multiple times, so you can learn.
  4. Practice rejection: Our civilisation tells u.s.a. to always exist positive and accepting of everything. But in order to stand for something you have to make choices, accepting some things and rejecting others that run counter to the values you've called. In order to have a healthy love relationship, you likewise need to be able to say and hear "no."
  5. Reflect on your mortality to keep your life and values in perspective. You aren't equally obsessed with piffling things when you face up and take the reality that you lot'll die.

He promises that, when you alive by values and standards that are meaningful to you, pleasure, success, and happiness will come as a result.

Manson's Values Compared to Aurelius's Meditations

Manson's five counterintuitive values are very similar to some of the principal topics of Marcus Aurelius's Meditations:

The Subtle Art of Non Giving a F*ck:

  • Take responsibility for everything in your life.

    • All the same, call back that responsibility and blame are not the same matter.

  • Accept dubiousness. Remember that yous don't know everything; doubt yourself and your beliefs, and examine them critically.

  • Embrace failure. Learn from your mistakes and employ your failures every bit opportunities to grow.

  • Do rejection. Stop giving f*cks about the unimportant things in your life. Reject everything unimportant.

    • Corollary: Practice saying no to people, and accepting information technology when people say no to y'all.

  • Reflect on your mortality. Keep your life in perspective, as that will assistance you develop effective values and standards.

Meditations:

  • Be strict with yourself and patient with others. The just things yous can command are your own actions—thus, you are personally responsible for everything that you do.

    • You are not responsible for what other people think, say, and do; that's neither your responsibility nor your problem.

  • Embrace logos (meaning both personal logic and natural laws). Aurelius believed that the universe was governed by perfect logic and natural laws, which ensured that everything would proceed in the best possible manner.

    • However, people have express perspectives and imperfect logic, which often leads them to wrong conclusions. Aurelius argued that, if you experience unhappy or broken-hearted, it's because you're struggling nether some incorrect agreement of the earth.

  • Live without fear. Aurelius insists that the only danger in life is that which amercement your graphic symbol—in other words, the only things you should fright are your own flaws.

    • Thus, you should work ruthlessly and fearlessly to ameliorate yourself.

  • Only concern yourself with living well. Aurelius urges you to turn down material wealth and pleasure, and devote yourself completely to your duty (whatever that may be).

  • Examine life and death rationally. A person's life is finite, and insignificant compared to the world.

    • Therefore, anything you lot exercise for yourself is meaningless; every activeness you take should make the globe better somehow.

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PDF Summary Shortform Introduction

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Imprint: HarperOne

The Subtle Fine art of Not Giving a F*ck, published in 2016, grew out of Manson'due south 2015 blog postal service of the same title. It was Manson's 2nd book, preceded by Models: Attract Women Through Honesty (2011). The Subtle Art was his showtime bestselling hit and paved the way for a follow-upwards book, Everything Is F*cked: A Volume About Hope (2019), which, building on the popularity of The Subtle Fine art, debuted at number one on the New York Times bestseller listing.

The Volume'southward Context

The Subtle Art of Non Giving a F*ck pushes back against the modernistic self-help movement, which writer Mark Manson believes focuses too much on feeling good, rather than living well. This volume argues instead that hardships are what requite our lives significant, that it'southward impossible to exist happy all the time, and that chasing countless positivity makes us focus on all the wrong things.

Manson mainly draws inspiration from iii different philosophical...

PDF Summary Chapter 1: Striving Won't Make You Happy

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The advice in Subtle Fine art comes largely from three philosophical traditions (Stoicism, Existentialism, and Buddhism). In cursory.

Stoicism values reason and duty above all else.

  • In Meditations (one of the definitive Stoic texts) Marcus Aurelius says that the only meaningful utilise of your time is to find out what yous're meant to practise in the world, and and so practice information technology.

  • Aurelius also says that how you feel—and how others experience about you—doesn't matter; every activeness y'all have should exist driven by rational thought and devotion to your purpose.

Existentialism values personal choice and personal growth.

  • It'due south rooted in the idea that life is meaningless, and therefore you must make your ain significant.

  • An existentialist should make up one's mind what values and beliefs he or she holds, and and then devoutly follow them. However, it's crucial that those beliefs and values are personal, and not instilled by someone else.

Buddhism values [acceptance and...

PDF Summary Affiliate 2: Happiness Is Misunderstood

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We're Hardwired for Unhappiness

Manson claims that suffering and dissatisfaction are really function of our biology. Dissatisfaction and insecurity spurred our ancestors to search out, build, and fight for better living weather. They are a survival mechanism for advancing our species that is all the same useful in motivating us to improve our lives. Every bit a upshot, nosotros will ever live with a certain amount of dissatisfaction—we're designed to e'er be dissatisfied with what we accept and to want what we don't have.

Dissatisfaction in the class of physical or emotional pain tells us what to pay attending to and tells us our limits. It can exist healthy or necessary—from information technology we learn what to do differently in the future. For instance, when we get burned, we learn not to touch a hot stove again. Pain also indicates that something is out of whack, and spurs united states of america to fix it.

(Shortform note: Richard Dawkins's volume The Selfish Gene goes into much greater detail well-nigh survival mechanisms (though largely focused on animals, rather than human being behaviors). In summary, every trait and behavior that we have exists because...

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PDF Summary Chapter 3: The Entitlement Trap

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Another of Gottlieb's examples shows the contrary type of exceptionalism: A human being who thinks he's smarter than everyone around him continually causes problems in his relationships until he accepts that he isn't special, either.

These examples show that feelings of exceptionalism can work in both means—they can hold people to pain that they think is special, or they tin can hold people to feelings of superiority that forbid meaningful relationships. It's only when a person recognizes that they're non infrequent (and that that'due south okay), that they can brand progress in treatment and in their lives.

How Entitlement Started

Manson connects our electric current entitlement epidemic to a trend that began in the 1960s, when the self-esteem/exceptionalism philosophy spread through schools, churches, and business evolution seminars. The focus became feeling practiced most yourself, rather than trying, failing, learning, and accomplishing things.

In the sixties, researchers concluded that people who felt skilful about themselves tended to perform improve and caused fewer issues for gild. Psychologists and policymakers began promoting cocky-esteem in the hope it would lead to...

PDF Summary Chapter 4: Defining Your Values

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  • Information technology can assistance to go on asking yourself "why" multiple times until you can't answer it anymore.

(Shortform notation: It may also help to recollect that nosotros take emotions because we've evolved to accept them, meaning that they are (or at least were) a survival mechanism. Thus, the "why" behind an emotion you're feeling might exist deeper than simple success or failure. This is especially the instance with peculiarly potent emotions; you may be tapping into primal, irrational feelings of life-or-death.)

Value Level iii: Place the Personal Values Underlying Your Emotions

Finally, ask yourself: How do I define success and failure? What yardstick am I measuring myself against?

  • Our values are the basis for what we do. The kinds of bug we have are a consequence of our values, and they affect how happy and satisfied we are.
  • Since our emotions and thoughts are based on our values, a nonconstructive value can throw them off residual.

In Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Lori Gottlieb—who's both the author and the main...

PDF Summary Chapter five: Value—Taking Responsibility

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In whatever situation, you have more choices than you think:

  • Yous choose the values and standards y'all alive past.
  • You cull how to translate what happens and how to respond.

Manson also points out that you actually can't avoid responsibility—even choosing not to answer to something is a response, and you're responsible for it. Therefore, the question isn't whether or not you should decide to have responsibility; the question is what values y'all'll base your decisions on.

In other words, what will you give a f*ck about?

The Benefits of Values-Based Decisions

Knowing your values and sticking to them has many benefits. For instance, Forbes interviewed 12 CEOs nearly how values-based decisions have helped their companies. Some of the responses included:

  • Clarity. Clearly defined values aid with controlling, considering whatever given determination becomes a simple question of whether information technology goes against one of those values.

  • Efficiency. Clear values atomic number 82 to clear goals. In turn, articulate goals stop you from...

PDF Summary Chapter 6: Value—Accepting Dubiety

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(Shortform note: An empty cup is an former Zen Buddhist metaphor for an open listen. When yous call up you lot already know everything, your "cup" is full: There'due south no room for anything else to get in. To learn, you must showtime by emptying that cup; let go of what you think you know, and approach every state of affairs with an open mind.)

Manson points out that when people are also certain, they can actually cease up with insecurity, acrimony, or bitterness when they go information that contradicts their certainty. For example, an athlete might exist confident in his own skills going into a game. Even so, if he ends upwards losing, his certainty that he should have won will make him feel worse than if he hadn't been and then certain in the kickoff place.

Certainty tin can as well be used for harmful purposes. Researchers used to believe people did wrong things considering they felt bad most themselves, but studies in the mid-1990s constitute the reverse: People who do bad things may actually experience good about themselves. Such people are oft certain that they're in the right, which makes them feel justified in harming others.

In other words, evil people don't call back that they're evil; they...

PDF Summary Chapter 7: Value—Embracing Failure

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Holiday explains that, to an ego-driven person, failure seems similar a directly insult or attack. Furthermore, when nosotros encounter failure, ego naturally comes to the fore and takes over our emotions, which makes it hard for us to think and react rationally.

Thus, in gild to protect ourselves from farther "attacks," we end trying so that we no longer gamble failure—which but serves to stifle growth and make defeat permanent.

To break out of that ego-driven mindset, Holiday suggests:

  • Plow "dead time" into live time. Dead time is when it feels similar yous tin can't make any progress; perhaps you lot're unemployed, stuck in the hospital, or even in prison. However, you tin can still employ that time to better yourself, report and learn new things, or brand preparations for your next period of "live time." Doing so requires that y'all stop thinking of yourself as a victim of circumstances, and take responsibility (merely non arraign) for your situation.

  • Let low points transform yous. A major setback or failure is a chance to learn a difficult truth, either about yourself (perhaps you don't plan things out well enough) or well-nigh the world (perhaps at that place's just non a...

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PDF Summary Affiliate viii: Value—Practicing Rejection

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The older and more experienced yous get, the less significantly such things affect you lot when compared to your full experiences. Therefore, Manson urges y'all to focus on the people and experiences that bring you the most satisfaction, and pass up those that don't make the cut. He adds that it's proficient to practice rejection; say "no" to those unneeded trips, possessions, hobbies, and people.

Still, Manson too provides a counterpoint to his ain argument: Experiencing equally many different things every bit possible can be helpful when you're young and trying to make up one's mind where your interests lie.

Recall the hedonic treadmill that nosotros discussed in Chapter 2: Constantly chasing happiness actually makes us feel worse, considering it highlights that we aren't happy. Also consider the Set Betoken Theory of Happiness, which states that people accept a "baseline" happiness level that they'll ever render to, even after life-changing events similar a promotion or a divorce.

Both of these theories effectively say the same matter: Information technology's impossible to make ourselves happy just by getting things that...

PDF Summary Chapter 9: Value—Reflecting on Mortality

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Accepting that yous'll die someday can sharpen your focus, and make you realize what'southward actually important to you. All the same, the fearfulness of decease may do the opposite; it may act every bit a distraction, and foreclose you from fully committing to your new values.

There are many ideas nigh why we shouldn't fear death, only maybe the simplest is an Epicurean argument: "Not fui, fui, non sum, not curo" (I did not exist, I existed, I exercise not be, I exercise not intendance). In other words, you won't care after you're dead, because at that place won't exist a you to care about it. In that location's no reason to be agape of something that you lot'll never experience.

Bated from no longer existing, the other affair people commonly fright near decease is leaving things unfinished. For these people, the fear isn't then much death itself equally it is dying without a sense of fulfillment. Finding that fulfillment is what Manson's lessons are all nearly. That's why he says it'due south and so of import to give the right f*cks and devote your energy to the right things—then that yous'll alive a life that'southward meaningful...